Can. We. Just. Skip. To. Happilly. Ever. After.
Life is about making choices. It does not matter where I am put into. Coz in the end, it does not matter if I am a doctor or tukang sapu, optimization of my skills to make this world a better place that matters, prawda?
Just maybe, if I decide to be a tukang sapu, I might need multiple jobs to stay alive.
Life is about sacrifice but I need to be clear, what for.
I'm thinking about this not because I am bored with my job, but like what Prof said multiple times, optimisation. Optimisation.
I can still smile. I can.
There are days when I do not feel like living anymore. I feel sick and I wonder when will my world will end. Would it be a mva? One thing that I'm hoping to not be is suicide.
Lj, I know everyone wants the best. Jannah. Me too. Life can be so hard and unpredictable. Many times I wonder when will my time come. Why is it do I need to live this long after my sister's death? I have had suicidal ideation before. I have never acted on that. Inflicting pain on myself is plain wrong. And painful. Of course, I did have thought that pain infliction might give some satisfaction, maybe. Or maybe not. To be in a living-dying cycle of burning pain is not what I have had in mind.
And why is it so hard to be faithful to God? I pray that God will take me away on the best day of my life. While I'm doing good in his eyes.
Everyone wants to go to jannah. I wish everyone can. Being a HO, I have two rights: to get my salary and to quit. There's no sentence that say I'll get to stay in jannah. I try to do my best everyday. It seems that that is not working anymore.
What else can I do ya rabb?
Be more forgiving and loving and caring?
It is painful to have someone being bipolar within minutes, empatising for a moment and being angry on another. What. Are. You. How am I supposed to believe that you care? Maybe it is just about being scared to let me go because I suck to the bones.
There, there. Sabar. Sobrun jameel. Learn to care. Learn to be nice with people. I might not want to see or have any kind of contact with them after this and for jannah. One of my wish is to not get to see them there.
Allahu. Allahu latif.
I did not know that I am so rude and I suck that bad. Okay, I know I suck at gynae and when I am jonah at obs. But not all the time in all situations, right? Am I bad all over with not even a tinge of good?
I can choose. To be that "rude" person she told me I am. Or to pretend to acknowledge and be nice to people who aren't towards me like nothing ever happened.
Isn't it human to not be close to people who are not nice to them? Yes, you are not a robot. I am not a robot too. Maybe I have spent too much of my living in my world with my twin sister with our "own language" that I just did not need to pretend to like people that I do not.
Lj, I am a person who always blame myself. I can stand up for myself. But the thing is, I will look defensive and yes, probably too rude for you to even fathom. I am not in my best mood nowadays. I am not thinking well. I am not feeling mentally well. I might have a low grade fever yesterday after crying a river and slept and it went on from 1130am until just now.
I realise my skills of thinking diminished pretty bad after 2012. Also my memory. Sometimes I think I might have dementia along with the mild ? OCD.
Yesterday, I almost blurted out my wish to quit this profession I chose myself. Why? Because I am not improving. And if this is not the best place for me to serve Allah, why should I stay? The thing is there's this thing called the 10 years bond. I am financially alright but I am not that wealthy to have that much amount of money to simply quit my job.
I have asked some of my friends about how am I working. Am I that bad? I personally think I am but most of them just deny that. I do not know really. Is it because I have this self destructive ideation or all of them are true.
I dislike it when she tries to make me think that she cares about my family well-being. Or cares about me. Or to make me think about any kind of sisterhood that should be intertwined between our hearts.
I have this kind of locked up syndrome when I cannot trust someone. It is not good. I cannot speak out my concerns. How I was bullied, how they are not helping me to understand what they want me to do.
I probably should be orang suruhan somewhere else.
I know omma appa are worried.
Can I quit? Or should I stay and please these people who thinks that I think they are robots?
I wonder how ashabul kahfi felt when they were at their prime with their unshakable stand and confidence.
Tak bgtau balik harini. Ingatkan mama happy kalo awin balik.
Weekend kan dah ckp keje. Mana boleh amek cuti tiba2.
Semnanye mama yang benci kat awin. Sebab tu mama marah awin balik rumah.
Awin gi teman klin tadi sebab awin keje esok. Kan dah bgtau awin cuti 1st n 3rd raya je.
Kalo mama marah awin with reason kecik non-existent lagi, better awin tak wujud je. Bukannye mama happy pon kalo awin ade kat rumah. Buat sepah je ade awin.
Can i tell her that?
Aunty awin nak baring kat aiza?
Makcik itu pun lekas-lekas baring di pangkuan anak buah kecilnya itu.
Ditepuk-tepuk perlahan bahu makciknya supaya senang dan tenang tidur dalam kereta.
Tiba-tiba terasa sebak. Perlahan-lahan titisan air mata mengalir dan diserap bantal kecil pelapik kepala.
Kata-kata tidak perlu. Tidak perlu kau katakan kau kasihan pada aku dengan sindiran-sindiran lembut. Aku pun muak dan menyampah kalau disimpati begitu. Sebenarnya, aku manusia degil. Cuma, ramai yang tidak tahu.
Cukup. Cukuplah Allah turunkan manusia yang masih suci bersih begini dalam hidup aku.
Makcik itu bangun.
Anak buahnya menyentuh bantal kecil itu. "Basah."
Makcik itu pun buat-buat tak tahu.
Senyum. Sungguh-sungguh senyum.