I have this mixed feelings. I want to stay longer but time. Time is limited. I need to settle my hutang to my sister, my bank things and of course, to settle my job for the preHO thing.
And yes. Basuh baju.
Allahu. New department. That one too. Allahu musta'an. Ya rabb.
I still have this unmet crave of nature to feed my eyes. I have this restlessness symptoms of hypo-natural-emia.
I do not have to be sad and miserable. I do not need to.
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah ala kulli haal.
I am sleepy.
Two days ago was one of the worst calls I have ever had.
No sleep, a few mins break while waiting for a patient to change her clothes.
I managed to stay away from the lecturer who makes me feel like the scum of the world when she talks to me.
How I wished she would reply my text with "understood" instead of her usual "noted".
I went back to anjung and had a 15mins nap.
I was awaken by the ringing of my phone with a stranger on the line.
I went to KL sentral walking around like a zombie, half alive, with a heavy tortoise shell on my back.
Train tickets to arau was not available.
Alhamdulillah, Aida made me feel alright.
I walked and walked until I haven't more strength.
When I sat down, the bench was metal, the hardness hurt my bottom which is also hard.
Alhamdulillah, I saw qieqie and we had a short talk.
Then, I decided to come to papa's house in Seremban.
I cuss a lot these days. In whispers.
I had to wait for more than one hour and a half for the ktm train to arrive and I doze off on the seat while waiting.
I thought I had to sleep standing up in the train.
Alhamdulillah, a guy arrived at his destination so I got to have a shut eye.
There were so many male humans in the train.
Who are not sensible enough to give up their seats for this poor lethargic panda.
In Seremban, I told appa about the cempedak goreng I smelled at ktm station but I did not get to eat.
Appa drove me to a stall. The stall was closed. Appa was in frustration.
I was so tired I did not follow appa and auntie for dinner.
And at that time, I had not eaten lunch.
Appa kept on waking me up so that I eat the sate in front of me.
I ate dinner half asleep with bits of chicken left in between my teeth.
It reminded me of maryam, Kak Bee's bae.
Then, today, appa kept on babbling about how I was doing this travelling thing too last minute.
I have no idea why people want to go to Arau on thursday.
I had no idea whether my leaves were approved until 2 days ago.
After that, appa kept on telling me how he wants to stop giving me nafkah, to pay my phone bills and insurance.
When I finally arrived to Penang, I decided to let my friend pick me up.
It was raining, I was tired and she gave me two choices before I departed.
Then, she called me and told me I chose wrongly and I did not think ahead.
It became my fault that another friend had to stay overnight when she clearly doesn't want to.
It became my fault because I was lazy.
Tick tock tick tock.
These 8 months of life in OnG, taught me that it is not always me at fault.
I learned that God is great. Time is important but God is great. I may feel like my time is wasted but Allah knows the best. That's what Aida said to me. I believe her.
Now, I am going to eat alone. Excuse me. I have tosai to eat to shoot up my sugar profile.
P/s looks like I had a major misunderstanding. Sorry bro. Sorry.
Hi lj. I can't wait for tomorrow half day.
Actually, I cant wait to have my life to end. I do not know if I can continue surviving like this.
Keeping on making boss angry. I was trying to please her. No, not really. I was just trying to finish my job quickly. So that boss won't have more reason to make me stay here. I just want end. End to what? Ehe.
In the end, the most important one is God after all.
Can. We. Just. Skip. To. Happilly. Ever. After.
Life is about making choices. It does not matter where I am put into. Coz in the end, it does not matter if I am a doctor or tukang sapu, optimization of my skills to make this world a better place that matters, prawda?
Just maybe, if I decide to be a tukang sapu, I might need multiple jobs to stay alive.
Life is about sacrifice but I need to be clear, what for.
I'm thinking about this not because I am bored with my job, but like what Prof said multiple times, optimisation. Optimisation.
I can still smile. I can.
There are days when I do not feel like living anymore. I feel sick and I wonder when will my world will end. Would it be a mva? One thing that I'm hoping to not be is suicide.
Lj, I know everyone wants the best. Jannah. Me too. Life can be so hard and unpredictable. Many times I wonder when will my time come. Why is it do I need to live this long after my sister's death? I have had suicidal ideation before. I have never acted on that. Inflicting pain on myself is plain wrong. And painful. Of course, I did have thought that pain infliction might give some satisfaction, maybe. Or maybe not. To be in a living-dying cycle of burning pain is not what I have had in mind.
And why is it so hard to be faithful to God? I pray that God will take me away on the best day of my life. While I'm doing good in his eyes.
Everyone wants to go to jannah. I wish everyone can. Being a HO, I have two rights: to get my salary and to quit. There's no sentence that say I'll get to stay in jannah. I try to do my best everyday. It seems that that is not working anymore.
What else can I do ya rabb?
Be more forgiving and loving and caring?
It is painful to have someone being bipolar within minutes, empatising for a moment and being angry on another. What. Are. You. How am I supposed to believe that you care? Maybe it is just about being scared to let me go because I suck to the bones.
There, there. Sabar. Sobrun jameel. Learn to care. Learn to be nice with people. I might not want to see or have any kind of contact with them after this and for jannah. One of my wish is to not get to see them there.
Allahu. Allahu latif.